I feel good trying to lose weight the healthy way. Sometimes I still want to stoo eating, or take a laxative when I have a bad day, but im stickin to this.

Ok, ive been workin my ass off at the gym etc. since may 26th. My starting weight was 145lbs, im now at 136lbs. Yay for me

Im feeling good but bloated bc I actually ate dinner last night. Im keeping it minimal tonight.

When is it to early to weigh yourself?

I hatr scales. Ive been working so hard.

139 biatch

They worked so hard it had to hurt. I dont know how they can do it.

Last night o watched biggest loser on demand and was like omg. They were crying, then id start crying.

Im still at 139.5 right now. Very frustrating.

140 lbs.. Whoot whoot!!

140.5 lbs this morning. Only ate popcorn yesterday. Had some bday cake here at work. Going to the gym in the way home.

Ha ha no dinner tonight. Hunny is not home. That means once my upod is functioning I go to the gym ;)

Shouldnt havr ate dinner, I feel gross now.

I gave in my weigh in was 141lbs. Thats after eating lunch and before dinner. After lounging all day after the gym.

Nope didnt happen. I wanna wait until my system is pretty clean of foods n junk to weigh myself.

Almost weighed myself at the gym, but chickened out, too many people around. Maybe ill do it later after my nap.

I still havent weighed myself again. Im waiting until I know I havent eaten anything for ab a day or it will just depress me.

Burned 633 cals on the eliptical alone today... Whoot whoot
Us half and hr.lifting weights

We had pizza for dinner. I only had one peice. God my ass and arms hurt fr the gym.

Going to the gym today was awesome!!!!

I think it will help instead of just jogging around the neighborhood.

Just renewed my gym membership. Im psyched to go today.

Next time ill throw on a sheet with holes and dance thru the hallway. Lol.

Sister in law came over to pick something up, and walked thru the room like we were ghosts n she didnt see us...nice.

Why cant bitches just mind their own business?

Ok, well lets see. When hes broke and I have to pay for everything, I seem to matter. When he finally gets paid, nope, he cany buy me ice cream

Someday im gonna treat myself to a spray tan.

Everyone thinks sunscreen is too greasy, id rather want to take a shower later than get burned, and look like leather face.

I at least remembered sunscreen. Thats good. I always have to remember sunscreen. I made everyone put it.on.

So mad at myself for a total binge wkend, ugh. My stomach feels so gross.

My sister works for family radio the station that started.all this mess, its stupid.

Everyones saying the worlds gonna end today, well lets see, im still here. Besides they said the raptures coming, not the end.

The worst part is im already a litle hungry, time for some coffee and take a shower to get ready.

Well yesterday wasnt good, I binged. So today no food at marine world.

Tomorrow im not eating and ill be pushing my dads wheel chair all over marine world

ate dinner today, took two ali pills first, plus a green tea pill

Gonna go wash my face, brush my teeth,then go to the smoke shop for cigarettes, then I dont know after that.

Making a refusal to weigh myself. I hate pimples, and I hate my period. I feel all bloated.

I need some rest, ill just remember not to take my pills so late tomorrow

Ok, I just cant seem to want to go to bed, luckily im off work tomorrow, but my brain is soo tired.

Omg im sooo tired, and yet my hands are shaking, thank pills

Started takin pills lets see if this helps

Omg today is already way too boring, I hate it when I get bored because then everyone eats, and they start pushing food at me.

Blah!

 So not much news since yesterday. The scale said 142 lbs this morning. Which, I don't know is completely accurate, because as I said before our scale sucks and when I get the chance I'm buying a new one. After my little mobile blog this morning I had to run to the bathroom for another stomach disturbance. Do all people that stop eating tend to have this???
 Anyway, I didn't have anything to eat last night, just more coffee and tea. This morning I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee because I couldn't sleep worth a damn because captain insomnia was up and making hella noise either in our room, or right outside the door.
 Once again today is a vow of no food, and I'm looking for anything that I can to help me lose more weight faster, does anyone have any good suggestions?
 It also looks like it's gonna be another quiet day here at work again, so I'll probably get frustrated as usual because of boredom. Maybe I'll look up a bunch of shit online or something.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Im hoping that sooner rather than later this weight will start coming off.

Man stomach issues this morning. Good thing is im 142lbs this morning.

I hate my body, ive tried and failed so many times, thia time I must succeed!!!!

So im makin dinner for the fam again. Wont eat any tho, the thought makes me sick. Belly dancin while I cook tho, burn off the tidbit of cake.

Black Sheep

 I'm just plain feeling shitty today. I think that the whole birthday celebration around here was a part of it. Someone texted me telling me to tell the bday girl happy bday for them. Well I did of course. Then I asked some of the girls if they were doing anything for the bday girl. Everyone told me no or that they didn't know or that her boyfriend was doing something.
 Then a little while later I heard everyone singing happy birthday, and I looked and everyone was over there singing. A little bit later the bday girl brought me a piece of cake. Damn it's like elementary school all over again. I'm the Black Sheep and no one wants to play with me except the foreign kid that doesn't speak English and probably doesn't know what I'm saying.
 I never did anything to any of those people, and they have the nerve to treat me that way, whenever we do anything around here I always put in money or what not. I'm disappointed in my co-workers now too.Or rather the people that work in the same building. The girls that I work with like me for the most part I guess. Lately I've been keeping to myself lately. Not from depression, but just because.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Im so disapointed in myself with this so far. I could be worse, but the people I work with suround me with food.

Yeah this shit sucks, ate a smidge of cake, tried to purge... Didnt happen.. Yuck. Luckily under 200 cal worth is all I ate.

God damn it. People keep offering me food. I keep.declining it, but damn people make ot hard to resist.

I got the Crazies!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Maybe I'm going a little crazy with blogging, but screw it who gives a shit right. It makes me feel better, a little. So far today just one cup of coffee, and one cup of tea.
 I'm also just frustrated. How long does it take before I start seeing any differences? God it's a pain in the ass. I hate waiting, I guess I have to learn to be a little more patient. It's not gonna be pretty though.
 I looked around on the Victoria's Secret website for some clothes for when I finally reach my goal. I'll probably just go somewhere and buy clothing, but I like looking, It helps. It makes me feel bad about how I look, but it makes me stronger when it comes to not eating. So in it's own way, torturing myself helps.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Why must everyone be a pain in the ass and say shit ab me smokin. Shut up already. Why do they think my business is their business.

Grrrr. Found out its someones bday at work, now theyre gonna try to make me eat cake. I hate this shit

Once on the Lips, Forever on the Hips

Ugh yet another sucky day. Last night Mr. Hunny Bunny freakin made me make some market pantry pizza's for dinner. I had a few tiny bites, but that's it. I wanted to throw it up, but for some reason couldn't make myself. I kept thinking, once on the lips, forever on the hips. It made me stop wanting to eat at all.
 I seriously need to find some friends out there that I can share this with. Start my own support system. I don't think a lot of my friends really understand, and I really haven't said anything to them about everything.
 They don't even know that I have this blog, because I don't want them to. I only really want people that understand how I feel to read this, and I hope that they do.
 I didn't weigh myself this morning, I was too peeved to do it, to angry at myself, so once again no eating today, and that's that. Maybe better luck tomorrow with my weight.(I know I need a new scale, but I really can't afford that right now, but I guess that what I have it better than nothing. ugh)
 Well I have a few things that I have to get done here at work. I will probably be blogging from my phone as usual. It seems to help a lot with the frustration.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

I get maf bc my hunny says he loves my curves, but then says some boney bitch is hot. Ugh. I feel like a cow.

So today I cant have anything. The hard part is everyone always brings food, or tries to make me eat all the time.

Mad! Mad! Mad!

Omg! I'm mad.Very mad at myself. Shouldn't have had that chex mix, so I'm just have to keep from eating, and probably exercise a little extra today so I can get rid of it. Ive found that drinking a lot of tea really seems to help. Plus I'm going to start drinking more dieters teas and stuff to help out a little bit. At least I will when I can afford it because we're so damn broke right now that we can't afford food anyway.
 I figure that it's better if I just let the people around me eat, because they probably need it more anyway. maybe me taking care of them will be good for my karma or something. A girl can only dream.
 I thought that using thinspo ideals to help me not eat would be hard, since I don't have the greatest track record at not eating, it's not as bad as I thought. I haven't had a total binge episode or anything, when I ate the chex mix it was literally just a handful, and it made me feel guilty. So I guess that I could've been worse. My punishment is going to be a hundred crunches though. I have to do something, because Ive done wrong.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Ate some chex mix... I feel like puking

My sis peeved me by insulting the food I made everyone on fb. Ugh, I wish people would butt out.

Yup 143lbs. Ugh I feel gross.

Please just let me sit here and enjoy my tv show and coffee.

Have to cook dinner for the fam. But the smell is nauseating me.

Ok I lied im pissed at the universe, for several reasons.

Well still having mood swings, but feeling better, just annoyed.

Ugh mood swings. Cant stand peoples loud eating, or them insinuating ab me smoking. Leave me the f*** alone.

One cup of tea down. Time for more coffee w splenda.

Ugh I feel so fat and ugly today.

Thinspo?????

 So my biopsy was negative. It's nothing. I wrote about it on a note on my fb so that I could share my experience with friends, so that maybe they will use it in same way.
 Anyway, I'm frustrated. After 3 weeks of jogging and dieting nothing happened for me. When I went to the Dr's it was 144lbs. WTF???? So I have decided to once again not eat. Sit here and starve myself. I hate my body and want it to change. So we'll have to see what happens. The longest that I have even been able to go without eating is 4 days.Well that;s going to change. I have been reading all sorts of thinspo info. So here goes thinspo day one. I didn't have the chance to weigh myself. 
 I was actually supposed to start this yesterday, but being the pig that I am I ate pasta for dinner. So that's it. So far today I have had one cup of coffee with splenda, and a cup of tea.
 Does anyone know any good pills that I could take to move this process along. I know that I won't lose that much by the time the hot weather gets here, but I want to lose something.
 I think that I will forever be struggling with this. Ugh this sucks. I need to find more pro ana and thinspo buds to help me with the process.
 Maybe tomorrow I will add my current weight and goal weights. Let's see what happens by then.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Waiting...

 So I'm still waiting for my results. It's a bit nerve racking because I have absolutely no idea how to feel. Everyone I've talked to about this is like, don't worry it's nothing. Don't sit there and torture yourself. They're probably right, but lately the whats ifs are killing me.I certainly wont know anything until the doctor calls me back, and he said it can be a week to two weeks until I find out the results. I don't know how to feel. Ive been sad, angry, frustrated, depressed.
 I know that getting depressed over the unknown is kind of stupid, but this has really opened up my eyes about things. I should wear sunblock every day. I need to be a lot more cautious about things I never even thought about before. I watched my mom die from this. An old school mate just a year older then me died from it. Sure I know that the likelihood of me dying is probably pretty low. But I have to think about how I'm going to handle it if something happened.
 This wasn't just something that was from the sun either, it's a mole, one that has never seen the sun. Those are the worst ones.
 I think about fighting it, if it is cancer. Talking to the doctor about treatment, what my options are if it is that bad. How I'm going to deal. Sure maybe I shouldn't worry. I don't have a gut feeling, I kinda stopped listening to that a long time ago, it doesn't always help. Right now yes, it feels that something may be wrong, but I also think that I'm feeling that way because of fear itself.
 All the week before I had the biopsy I was worried about other things, and that was dragging me down, and driving me nuts, now this. The fact that the doctor found it and seemed very concerned is what seems to be concerning me the most right now.
 On Friday it will be one week. So I guess making it through the first week will be the hardest part. I told the girls at work, and a few good friends, my family knows about it too. I haven't told everyone, because I don't want them to know.
 There are also the two people that were harassing me that I don't want to find out about the testing, because I have the feeling that they will either make it their mission to drive me nuts. Whether it's because they are mad at me for not liking them and want to kick me while I'm down, or because they really want to be supportive, and will start showing up uninvited.
 I have the feeling that if my fiance's friend that was bothering me finds out he's really gonna start emailing, or sending things to me. I'm not looking forward to it, so hopefully he just wont say anything, results or not.
 All this waiting is driving me insane, I just don't know what to do about it at this point. I guess it's suffer in silence, because I have probably annoyed everyone around me enough already.
 Now is the time to try to distract myself so that I don't feel so fixated on this, it'll only make the waiting even harder. Wish me luck.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

When it rains, it pours!

I swear that if it's not one thing it's another. My sweetie and I hired a lawyer for his Workman's comp case because we feel that the insurance company is being a bunch of wanks. They've doctored paper work, and stopped paying him. So we're applying for disability.
 I went to the obgyn on Friday. Everything seemed pretty fine, until he discovered a mole.I originally went because A) I haven't been in a really long time. B) A friend of ours has cervical cancer and she's really young, and I know that cancer in that area runs in the family. I ended up going for one thing, and being worried about another by the time that I left.
 So he decided he should take a biopsy for many reasons. 1) My mom died of Melanoma 2) I have all the great characteristics for it i.e.blond, fair skin, blue eyes, freckles. 3) it fit the "ABCDE" criteria.
 I've never had a biopsy and he was like do you want a referral, do you want me to do it? I was like well since you're already down there. So they gave me a local (which I've never had), and they took a sample, which I didn't feel. Then they were just gonna do one stitch, but it turns out the damn mole wouldn't quit bleeding so I have 3 stitches. It's right there on my bikini line, and keeps annoying me because everything keeps wanting to rub on it, etc.It figures that the first time I ever have to get stitches it's on my bikini line.
 Everyone is like it's probably nothing, you'll be fine. I know a girl that died from melanoma last year, she was about a yr older than me. My mom had cancer twice, the second time she passed away from it. It was too advanced in stage and there was nothing more that they could do.
All I keep hearing is support that I appreciate, like "It's probably nothing" or "They'll probably just remove it."
I've done a little homework, and regardless they will probably remove it, but they may remove it and I might have to have treatment if it is something. Now I'm all nervous, this sucks. Ive had at least two times in the past two days that I have suffered with the "What if's" and this shit blows. I can not wait for the results to come back, because either way, I'm going to be impatient until they tell me something. Sure I'd rather it be good news, but what if it's not?
 Now I'm frustrated and anxious about everything.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

My Easter

 So yes, I am a bit annoyed I guess I would have to say about everything going on. Lately it's like people are so inconsiderate, and selfish about things. 
 For instance how my cousin irritating me. First of all yes I know that she's going through a divorce, she's little miss Christian, and trying to take care of her son. The thing that's been irritating is that she went to college, got her degree, and everywhere she goes wants her to intern, well I'm sorry that's the way that nursing is. Plus she's so worried about having no money that she wants people to give because she is such a good Christian and she seems to be expecting god to fix all of her problems. Well she won't look for any job unless it's nursing, which she's going to HAVE to intern at. Then she complains she can't afford things.
 Then she emails my sister about Easter asking if I am going to make cookies, because her son loves them so much. Well she didn't ask if I was even going to be there. (apparently the happiness of her son is what matters the most, not the person cooking.)
 So I emailed her, she called me later asking again if I am going to send the cookies. I told her that I might have to work, so I'm not sure. (At that point I know I'm not making the cookies.) She said that if I have to work I can send them with my sister right? 
 Then she finds out that I am going somewhere on a boat and starts asking if we are renting it, etc. Starts telling me that she would love to take her son on a boat someday. He's 3 yrs old. He's not going to remember it, plus he would really be someone to worry about on a boat. So I eventually got off of the phone with her, but she never asked if I was coming. Nor did she even seem concerned about it. She was expecting me to make the cookies, all she was worried about was the cookies. 
 Then she started putting on her facebook how she needs to find a job in nursing and about her son, and thank god for all the good donations that she gets. To me it's seems like she's depending too much and her faith, and the goodwill of other people, and not enough on herself.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

This is let alone the fact they couldve emailed.me n asked me about.it. Nope theyre too worried what they want. What they think they deserve.

They email my sister n ask if im makin cookies bc their son loves them so much. But dont bother to ask if im coming.

I didnt want ro spend it with family anyway. Ive noticed certain people are a little selfish lately, so id rather not be around them.

Happy easter. I get to spend mine working. Then I get 2 relax at home.

Ive been keeping up with my jogging and fruit. ;)

Went on a boat on the delta for the first time yesterday. Had lots of fun n good eats.

Keeping up the good work.

 So I got to go on my walk yesterday. I've been sticking to the plan, I'm proud of myself. Now I have a feeling of accomplishment every day.
 I eat lots of fruits and veggies, and make sure that I eat my Activia. I've been feeling a lot better about myself and I've had a lot more energy. I don't feel sluggish or depressed.I'll give it two weeks before I weigh myself. It always takes a while to see the benefits of exercise.
 I'm not as worried about the stalker stuff the past week or two, because it seems like he's leaving me alone. Either that or Murphy's law is gonna bite me in the ass and he's gonna start bothering me again.
 The past two days at home have been a little rough though. My sister has been getting on my last damn nerve, and she's starting to say things that don't make any sense. 
 Maybe they make sense to her, but they don't make any to me. Something about "I hold everyone to very high standards, even though I can't live up to them myself." WTF????? That doesn't make any sense to me.
 All I want is for her to stop insulting me, and everyone else all the time. I told her that if she can't talk to me without some insult, than don't bother talking to me. She's my sister and I love her, but I need her to leave me alone until this all blows over and she stops insulting people. Or pointing out their flaws to make herself feel better.
 I'm so glad that my weekend is almost here. I'm debating what I want to do. Tomorrow I'm going to order a few things from Sephora, my number #1 store lately. They have a lot of great stuff. I'm always finding new things that I want to try. I just have to save up some money sometimes to get what I want.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Still Sticking to the Plan

 So I made it on my walk yesterday, for 45 minutes. I didn't have the chance to go see my dad.I wanted to, but at the same time I wanted to have some time to myself. So I went home and ran to the store for dinner. Then I went for a walk while my sweetie was cooking.
 I had a ton of salad with little to no salad dressing,one small piece of steak, about 2 spoonfuls of potato salad. Aside from that I had mostly fruit, like a peach, a banana, and some strawberries, along with some Activia yesterday.
 Then when I was taking a shower of course my sister had to come home, come straight in there and start trying to talk to me when I can't hear her.
 I am doing pretty good with the diet that I am on. Tonight I'm hoping and looking forward to walking, but it's been raining out and I don't have a gym membership any longer. So I have to get a little creative with my workout. Luckily not everyone will be at home tonight, so I am hoping to dance, or something. If the weather is clear I do plan on going for a walk.
 I'm starting to feel better and more energized, now I'm just waiting for the weight to start coming off enough that I am able to notice it. I feel a lot less bloated which is good, but I keep having to pee like a maniac. At least I know that eating more fruit is really cleaning me out.
Last night I did get into a big fight with my sister. She was bitching about her weight, and yes she is significantly bigger than me. I tried to give her a few tips and she got mad at me saying that I was calling her fat. Which I didn't. Then of course she had to insult me and say that I would never be to my goal weight. (Whenever someone tries to give her advice on anything she gets mad. Or whenever someone is insulting to her she has to insult someone else by pointing out there flaws.It drives me nuts, I don't want to be a mean person, but if she keeps insulting me, I'm gonna have to do it to her. )
 She's my sister and I forgive her, I have to stick to my goals and plans though. I'm not gonna let her be mean and get away with it.
Tonight I'm supposed to make fried chicken. I might have a smidgen, but my main plan is to eat some asparagus. I don't really feel like eating a bunch of greasy food right now. I once again get to battle with myself again.
 I know that my sister's going to come home and be like "thats bad for you" like we don't already know. She does that with everything that we eat. She does it to everyone. It drives me insane. So I'll have to start doing it to her.
Wish me luck.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Fruits & Veggies

 Well, I'm feeling a tad sassy this morning, just like yesterday.
 Ive been going for walks, and eating a lot of fruit in place of all the bad things that I have been indulging on lately. I have a terrible sweet tooth, and so far fruit helping my cravings.
 I don't want to try the 3 day fruit cleanse because I heard that it strips your body of some of the things that you need. That's the last thing that I need right now because I've been stressed out enough as it is.
 It's only been two days, but I plan to keep it up. I'm not going to obsess about how much I weigh, I'm not touching a scale until it's been two weeks since I started integrating more fruits and exercise into my diet.
 I don't like the obsessive part of me to take over. I want to feel good, and feel that I look good, and have nice glowing skin. My skin always seems better when I've been exercising a lot.
 I've started by power walking, and will eventually start to jog again. I want to take it slow so I stick to doing it every day. Sometimes I have to fight myself to exercise. So I keep telling myself that I have to keep this up. I'm also drinking less coffee and more water or tea. Along with eating fruits or veggies, or at least drinking some kind of smoothie if I'm on the go.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Weekend Sephora Trip

 Good Morning,
 So over the weekend I went to Stanford Shopping Center with my sisters and niece. We had a great time and of course they have my favorite store... Sephora. I got to look a little bit, but my sisters really aren't makeup people, they wear makeup, but their not willing to spend much money on it. I always feel like I can spend hours in Sephora, just looking at the products, trying to choose what I want to buy depending on my budget. Now I go online a lot, look at what I have an interest in, and then go straight to it at the store.
 While I was there I chose some concealer. I was trying all kinds of concealers while I was there. I've heard some great reviews about Benefit Boi-ing. They call it an Industrial strength concealer. Well in the past I have had trouble with concealers because they can start to show through your makeup, or you might have trouble finding the right shade. I like this concealer, it helps cover my dark circles, and little blotches that I have because of a pimple or two. It doesn't feel heavy, and it doesn't lighten too much under my eyes.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P1273&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5333

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Im feeling a tad sassy this morning.

Laugh with me Lee Lee

This is a fragrance that I bought a mini of at sephora. I always buy mini's so that I have a lot to choose from on a budget. It's a floral/fresh mix. It smells great . I even got a few compliments about it at work. Guys telling me that I smell really good, and the girls asking what fragrance it is. The full sized of this scent is only $36 at sephora. I love it, the full sized is a purchase I'm going to be making in the future.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P237124&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5333

Right now there are limited time specials at sephora. I take a look at their site about once a week to see if there is any needs of mine that can be fulfilled on a limited budget. People ask why spend so much on makeup and body care. It usually lasts you a long time. Plus it's a good way to treat yourself. I consider it an investment. Buy small, figure out whats right for you.  :)
http://www.sephora.com/promo/beautybonuses/index.jhtml?pageCode=ws&_requestid=18687

I go to a sephora that's inside jcpenny's inside stonridge mall in pleasanton, ca. http://www.simon.com/mall/default.aspx?ID=1242
There is also a sephora in the mall as well, but I like the one in the jcpenny's. That's just my own personal choice.
 Either way if you want a good treat for yourself, or need help getting beauty answers this is the place to go. The sales associates there are always helpful, and will make your shopping trip a success.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Makeup Addiction continued...

 I didn't really have time to finish blogging about this things that I bought at Sephora the other day. I also bought something for the eyes, because along with the dark circles I also tend to get a lot of puffiness. I don't think it's allergies, and it was never this bad before, but my sisters both get a lot of puffiness so I think that it's a hereditary thing. I tried the Sephora Collection's Instant Depuffing Roll on Gel.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P276324&categoryId=C11724&shouldPaginate=true
 At first I didn't see that much of a difference, but after a few days my eyes were looking a little bit brighter, and not so puffy. I also noticed that the less puffy my eyes are, the less you can see the wrinkles.
  I also bought Benefit Full Finish lipstick. I love it. Can't live without it. No more caked on lipstick, and it stays on a long time. The color that I got was "Saucy" which is a tangerine or orange-ish color. I can't seem to find that shade online, but if you are looking for a summery color, I would say something in a coral or orange range.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P215938&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=5333


Today I ordered a few things. Once I get them and give them a try I will let you know.
TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Makeup Addiction

 It seems as though I have a makeup addiction. It's been there since I was a kid. I always got into my mom's makeup... always. In Junior High I used to steal my mom's makeup, oh boy was she pissed. 
 Now that I am an adult I have my own means to buy it, so it's not that bad. Then I went to Sephora, a wonderfully colorful store full of makeup, skin, and body care.
 First I bought the Bare Escentuals customizable starter kit. The sales associate helped me make sure that I got the correct coloring. Omg my skin is so soft. It also hides my uneven skin tone. I bought the Matte foundation (which is $3 more) because I have oily skin. This is a light weight product that helps a lot if you have oil and shine problems.
 The kit comes with a primer, which really does help, my makeup doesn't fade anymore yay!
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P267207&categoryId=C16510&shouldPaginate=true

I also got Urban Decay Eye Primer Potion, which keeps my eye makeup right where it should be, and keeps my eyeshadow from fading and smudging. I love it.
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P74310&shouldPaginate=true&categoryId=3806

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Sephora is very dangerous online, or in the store. Either way dangerously addicting.

Well things are looking up. Im gonna keeo it that way. :)

What I think Reality shows and books should really be about

 So it's yet another quiet day. Thank goodness.
 Earlier I had to rant a little about the drama queens that now dominate television. Why? Why all the drama? Then there is hoarders, and people with compulsive problems.
 What about people like me? My dad has Alzheimer's, my mom dies over 3 years ago from cancer, I have two older sisters, we're all different. We're definitely not rich. We're just hanging in there. I'm not asking for some celebrity hand out. I just think that they should make a reality show about real life people. Not all this staged drama and shit, and not being dramatic on purpose.
 We have fun in our own ways, and we crack ourselves up all the time. Sure I'd love to have my own makeup line, or fragrance, but I'm not about to be fake to get it. Sure I'd love to be polished up and fancy, have the chance to feel a bit glamorous. Still I wont get drunk all over the place and have plastic surgery, and ruin a good relationship to do it either.
 My version of glamorous is spending a few $ at sephora about once every 6 months, because that's all I can afford.
 It's dealing with real life situations, like seeing your own parent struggle because they don't know where they are, or who you are. It's trying getting the chance to go enjoy yourself at the beach over the weekend, then going  back to work the next day. Having somewhere to be. Sure it may not seem exciting, but it's what a lot of people do themselves, or deal with.
 I wake up at 5 am every morning to get ready, I commute, I make still what is considered borderline low income. After leaving work I see my dad for a few minutes, than I go home, maybe make dinner, and then get ready for bed.
 It may seem boring, and sometimes it is, but in that time span obviously I interact with people. I do normal things like go to the mall, have fun with my friends and lately a lot of time with my family.
 I wish I could write a book about myself. The big, and little struggles that I have lived with. Sure I'm only 28, but I grew up quick. My mom was sick a lot of the time that I was growing up.Not having a lot of money growing up. The pressures that got to me in high school. The things I did that I am proud of, and maybe not proud of.  Sure there was the point when I was young that I wanted to be out with my friends all the time. Then there was the time in my life that I did spend time doing things with my mom, and trying to comfort her when my dad got sick. Then there was the bad way that I handled things emotionally when she passed away. Then there is how I am now. Dealing with my dad, and there's in between, how I pulled myself out of a rut and found a way to heal. How I am trying not let things get the best of me when they get hard.
  I wish that I was able to write about it, I don't have the time, the funds, or popularity that it takes to write a book right now. . It's just really hard for me to do. Plus there's always that question of does anyone really give a shit? Will they walk away with something from my book? I know that I will have the answers one day. I wont get them all at once. I want to believe that miracles happen over night, but I'm not going to live my life counting on it.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

There needs to be a reality show ab people with real life struggles, not some stupid documentry no one wanfs ti watch.

Why cant someone make a reality show ab normal people like me, instead of a bunch of drama queens.

Sometimes you need someone to show they love you once in a while.

Moodiness

 Why do men have to be so frustrating? I do everything that I can, and he still can't be pleased. I love him, and I know that he loves me, and we're going through a rough patch because of his workman's comp. It's frustrating I'm, and since the beginning he hasn't wanted my help. So I suppose the best thing to do is put up with it. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells about everything. Every little thing seems to set him off. So I guess that I have to close myself off from him, that's what he seems to be doing to me.
 I'll still be perky, but just not express anything to him, nothing at all. That's really hard because I feel like I can't be myself. I have to sit here and pretend that every thing's alright with him. OR I can let I'm rant, but not cater to him, because I think he just wants to be left alone, so I'll let him be alone. I won't ask ow his day is, won't tell I'm about mine, because you know that might be selfish in some way. I wont call to see how he's doing, and just wont stand in his way.
 It's like all I want is a little peace, and a little time to spend in my head, and everyone wants me to do something for them. Sure I know that I used to, but now no one seems to appreciate it, so I stopped doing things. I ave enough burdens already, and now I just have more. I still wish that I could go lock myself in a closet somewhere and get some peace and quiet, but that will never happen.
 Tonight I;m gonna go for a walk or something by myself. I just need to force this frustration out somehow, and move on from it. I'm tired of people trying to take me down with them.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

This morning im feeling frustrated. Men are difficult sometimes, doesnt mean I love mine any less tho

A little Comfort

 Well there's not a whole lot that I have to talk about today. The shit going on with my dad is irritating, but I'm dealing. It's just kinda hard when he thinks you're his wife, or that he has to get ready for work, and he's been retired quite a while.
 Other than that I am not feeling as stressed about my stalker situation. I have taken a few precautions, and am sticking to them. I need a little comfort sometimes. I have to protect myself because I don't think anyone thinks that this is really an issue. I'd rather be left alone, but the powers that be just aren't going to let that happen. So I have done what I can to protect myself, and god willing defend myself if anything bad were going to happen. It doesn't seem like it will. It's not like I've been threatened. It's more like these people are trying to force me into a friendship, and I'm resisting because they're being so weirdly persistent about it. They seem to be living in their own illusion where I am their BFF, even though we have made no memories together, they couldn't tell you anything about my likes and dislikes aside from what you can find on my facebook page. I want them to leave me alone, and the more someone says that to them the more they obsess about it, or whine about how much they think they love me.
 Tonight I'm going to go home, so some laundry and veg for a while. Screw making dinner, I'm tired of it. I love cooking, but not lately. By the time that I get home I want to veg,or something for myself. Lately I have had that screw everyone else attitude, only because I've been getting that vibe from everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stuck up, but I know I'm a bitch they key is to use it only when necessary.


TTYL,
 Little Miss Sunshine

Not felling as frustrated or paranoid today

Rant, rant, rant

 So I still haven't figured out what to do about my situation. For right now I'm going to try to put it in the back of my mind, unless of course my stalker shows up again.
 This morning I was talking about a friend and she said maybe I should just approach the guy directly. I don't know if I really want to, because it might make him think that I want to talk or see him.
"Look here buddy we need to talk about this because I am getting very frustrated.  For some reason think that I am really close to you. You don't really know me that well. First of all, the night that I didn't go to dinner I was told that you thought that I didn't like you. I liked you as a friend until you started saying things like that. My fiance keeps telling you that I need space. You apparently found the need to comment all over everything that I was posting on my facebook, and email me asking if I was mad at you and telling me that you were so concerned about me. Friends that I have had my entire life don't even do that. They just leave me be to live my life, so I got tired of the comments and emails blocked you. Well then you sent me a card. It's great that I have your support, but I think that you're thinking about me too much, and need to back off. I need my personal space. I am a very busy person, it's really not even your business what is going on with my family. It's a family matter, not your matter. When it comes to being busy I hardly have the time to see my close family and friends. How do I have the time to come all the way out there to see you? I don't even have time to myself. The only time that I have where I am truely alone is when I am in the car commuting somewhere.
 Then you show up on my doorstep at 6am when I'm trying to get ready for work. You said you were looking for my fiance, what the hell makes you think that he would be up at that hour?
 That started making me uncomfortable. Then whenever you talked to my fiance you were asking about me, how's my dad, do we need anything? Why wasn't I talking to you? It's obvious that you have no respect when someone tells you that you need to give them space.
 So I got tired of people knowing too much so I deleted a whole bunch of people from my facebook page, including you and your wife, because I didn't want you going onto her fb page and watching mine from there.
 Then a few weeks later you called my fiance asking why I deleted you. Because I need space. I want to know that I can get ready for work without someone knocking on my door. I want to feel like I can say what I want, when I want, without having someone commenting on every single thing.
 So less than a week after talking to my fiance you just show up. No you didn't get out of your truck, but you started asking why I wasn't out there to see you. You started asking about my dad's situation. Honestly it's not your business. You should call my fiance before coming over. I understand that you're a really intense person or whatever, but I need my personal space. I don't need people constantly asking about me, or sending me things, or showing up. Please just stop. Let me have my own life."

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

OMFG LET ME HAVE SOME PEACE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I think the whole stalker thing is getting out of hand... or at least a little worry some.
 So the dude had been blocked so he and his wife sent me a "thinking of you" card signed bff. They told us how much they loved us and all that bs. The whole time I'm going WTF you don't know me that well.
 My sweetie just keeps up the same mantra of he doesn't have that many friends, or he's just really intense. The same thing about the guy asking about me all the time, or calling to ask, it's annoying me. I think that this guy doesn't understand it. The more they bug me, the more they are ignoring the fact that I said I need to be away from everyone.
 Well I deleted him a few weeks ago. 
 I've been making a lot of changes.
 In the mean time (about two weeks ago) the other crazy chick that had been bugging me came over uninvited when we had people over. I was standing in our garage and she was like "Are you mad at me?" I told her I just need some space from people right now.
 Well she got in my face asking the same question over and over. Yeah maybe it was stupid of me saying that I don't want to talk about it right now because I didn't want any drama bc we had a friend over for his birthday. She got up in my face and I told her to back up. Then she was standing in my driveway cussing me out. The saddest thing is I know that I was sober. Finally my sweetie and his friends came out and made her leave. I told her to get the F*$% out of my driveway. Don't you dare talk to me like that on my own property.
 The next day someone at work, who happens to know me pretty well called me out on the fact that I have been depressed, and not been myself lately. I have been. I fight myself about food, I'm frustrated about my dad's declining health. Alzheimer's isn't easy to deal with, at least emotionally. I feel like I can;t come home and have any peace. Either it's the fact that there is always someone home. Maybe it's because I have these people I don't know very well appearing at my house, or calling, or texting, or sending cards, or emailing. Enough is enough.
 Well I took a week off of work with my bosses blessing. (she's so awesome for letting me do that I think she new I was having a nervous breakdown.) I went and stayed with a friend for a few days. Relaxed, didn't worry about my phone, or my fb, what was going on at work or home, not a damn thing. I told my worry wart sister that always calls for stupid shit that she could call my sweetie, because I didn't want to be disturbed.
 When I came home I remade myself. Bought some new makeup, got a massage, got my hair done, got a mani-pedi. I'm also keeping up on the hair and makeup every day.
 A few days ago stalker man called my sweetie, asking how I was and why I deleted him and his wife. He told him that I deleted a lot of people. That I have been needing my space from people a lot.
 Yesterday he just kinda showed up with his wife. I was about to leave with my sister to go somewhere, so I went running to her room and hid. I made my sister go see what was going on, but I guess that they stayed in their truck and my sweetie went and talked to them. He told them that I was sleeping. They asked if they could come in and see me, but he said no I needed my rest. I know that my sweetie is getting tired of this, and keeps saying this guy is intense, and that I have to get used to him. He's being creepy. Anyone that doesn't know you that well and worries too much about you being their friend, or being mad, isn't just insecure, they're immature, and possibly a little bit psycho.
 Anyone else that has heard about this thinks this guys got some issues to. Not my sweetie, he doesn't think there's anything wrong here. What's it gonna take this guy breaking in and killing me in my sleep? Waiting for me outside my house. If I find him at my work, I'm gonna turn around and drive away and have security remove him. I'll call the office and have them say that I called in until he leaves or something.
 I've been told that the more I avoid a stalker, the more they will be spurred on. He hasn't done anything that the cops would give a restraining order for. Obviously my sweetie doesn't think he's a threat. Even though he keeps irritating me, and I can't be left alone by anyone apparently.
 I'm going to have to handle tis by being a big bitch instead. I don't think anyone wants to see this, because I've been told by my sisters that I've been a frigid bitch since birth. Wish me luck people. I'm going to ave to channel my inner biatch, this wont be pretty.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Chili

 All I can say is that I'm glad I'm home. I feel like shit, have a slight temp, and am aching all over. My sweetie has been sick for a few days and I know that I'm getting it. Ive had a headache for two days now, slight congestion, but mostly just aches and pains with a slight fever. Ugh this sucks.
 I'm also perturbed because apparently our roommate had some of the chili that he and my sweetie made. Well I couldn't sleep and when I walked out into the living room there was chili and bread crumbs all over the little pull down divider on the couch. It's a nice couch set that we got for free from a friend that only had it about a year. People keep messing up couches in this house. I don't know what it is but they just can't keep things nice.

First my sister in law and her kids were always screwing something up around here, then they moved out and things were fine, now this guy. This is why we didn;t buy a new couch, we didn't want the money to go to waste, plus the kittens keep trying to scratch the shit out of them, but we usually stop them. He just sits there and ignores them while they tear them up, and apparently doesn't know how to clean up his mess. How hard is it to wipe up a spill? I don't think it's that hard. Isn't it bad enough that I'm always working, taking care of family, cooking, grocery shopping, doing all the chores, do I really have to follow people around with a "wet ones" wipe and clean up their messes too? Damn people, learn to pick up after yourselves, shit I'm not your maid. I'm going to talk to my landlord/father in law about taking money off of rent because I'm always cleaning up after everyone. It's starting to peeve me a bit.
 When he gets his own place I'm gonna come over and be a pig and get chili and everything else all over his place and see how he likes it.
 The only good thing is that my fb stalker hasn't done anything about me deleting him or his wife.... of course when I blocked them it was about 10 days later that they sent me a card. Ive been on twitter a lot lately, and I know that for the moment neither of them have found me on there.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

So yesterday, I plain deleted the guy that was bothering me and his wife. I also deleted his brother. I'm tired of this shit.

Still Being Stalked

 When you're not close to someone, and they don't leave you alone what are you supposed to do? I try to be a decent person most of the time, I let the old ladies with one item cut in front of me at the grocery store, I actually wait until someone is done crossing in the cross walk to turn the corner, if I see someone drop money I tell them, why is it that I'm a decent human being, and then people try to latch onto me?
 It's like they're a succubus, and they want to steal my remaining but of humanity from me. They like the kindness. They think they're trying to be supportive, when they don't know me. They start haunting my facebook so I block them because they keep bugging me, but I want my freedom of speech. They show up on my doorstep when I'm getting ready for work, they send me "thinking of you" cards in the mail.
Of course my fiance said they don't have many friends and they're trying to be supportive, they signed it "friends forever"... they don't know me that well and think that they do, all I want is to be left alone and have them stop bugging me.
 I've had my best friend for 16 years, she's moved far away and we see each other once in a while, we send each other things but we don't send cards that are signed friends forever, maybe it's because in our hearts we know it, and don't have to say it out loud. My friends knew my for several yrs before they started showing up at my house unexpectedly. By then they know that they're welcome. When they're in trouble I'll help them out if I can, sometimes helping is having someone to talk to, or driving around with.
 I hate being a bitch, and my fiance thinks that I'm taking things the wrong way, but when these people make mountains out of mole hills and start claiming they thought that I was mad at them because I didn't feel good and couldn't make it to dinner, then start haunting me so I have to block them out, that's not over reacting, it's wanting some privacy. When they start showing up and you feel you can't have privacy, somethings wrong. Tonight I'm going to delete a bunch of people from my facebook, them included. If they keep bugging me I'm gonna get pissed if my fiance doesn't start telling his friends that seemed latched to me to back the hell off.
I've even thought about getting a restraining order because of people showing up, I want nothing to do with them because they keep trying to wiggle into my life.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Sometimes blockin people on fb doesnt work, they just send u "thinkng of you" cards in the mail.

Started taking alli again, we'll see how this goes.

Blogging etc

 So I've been trying the mobile blogging, as you can see it gave me some issues yesterday. It's not the site, it's me learning how to do this, so no one worry. My stomach has been killing me lately, I think that it's nerves or something.
 I'm once again gonna try not eating and see if that helps any. That and I don't want to eat, even though all I think about is food.
 Last night I watched Julie and Julia again. Good and inspiring movie, wish that I had the time and money, and time for exercise to do something like that. I was original going to do something like that with this blog, but haven't really felt that inspired to do it.
 I've been taking pictures all over the place with my new phone, I got a G4 so I want to eventually share them, once I have a reason. They've mostly been of my pets, etc, but I'm keeping my eye out for something new every day.
 I really think that part of this is stress, I went and got a massage the other day, but here I am 4 days later and all stressed out again. Hopefully it will subside a little bit or I will learn not to let it control me.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

ster all over the place... What a mess

na eat dinner.
I wish I had more time to exercise, but with dad not doing so well its hard. Im always back and forth going to see him, and taking my si

So the day goes on, not a whole lot going in, ive been trying very unsuccessfully not to eat a bunch of junk food. Guess that tonight im probably not gon

Its way to early to have much to say, I just signed up for mobile blogging tho never done this before gonna be different

Hiding in the closet

 So I have been super busy and haven't had the time to do anything lately, or at least anything for myself that is. Nothing at all. My dad's been in the hospital, and is now in a rehabilitation place because he has Alzheimer's, heart problems, lung problems, and blood pressure problems. Ugh what a mess. Ive been visiting him every day and on the weekends. My oldest sister stays with him all day up there. She doesn't drive so My other sister drops her off and I usually go there to pick her up at the end of the day.
 My weight has stayed about the same, but I have been eating a lot of bad food lately.
 Then on top of that I have yet another person that seems as though they are stalking me. My fiance and I have gone out to dinner a few times with one of his co-workers and his wife. First I added them on my facebook thinking nothing of it.
 Then they started bugging me because his wife wanted to order Avon. Well I haven't been selling Avon in a while because either I haven't been feeling well, or my dad hasn't been doing that well.
 Then the guy started saying that I didn't like him or must be mad at him to my fiance. I'm not mad, just have a lot on my plate right now. My fiance said that they don't have that many friends, well I'm sorry dude, I can't even see the friends that live near me or that I'm close to.
 These people live about 20 miles away. Well then he emailed me on facebook saying that he hoped that everything was okay, and that he and his wife missed us and love us very much. I really thought that it was getting a little weird, because they don't know us that well.
 Then he again kept saying to my fiance that he thought that I didn't like them, where have I been, why haven't I been on facebook. He told him that my dad's been sick and that I have a lot of stress right now.
  I started noticing that every time I said something he would make a comment about it or something, c'mon, let me have some space.
 Then yesterday morning when I was getting ready for work he showed up at our house. He said that they were working near by and thought he would see if my fiance was up. My fiance has been off on Workman's comp for almost a year, why the hell would he be up at 6am. I don't know what this guys problem is, but my fiance talked to him and let him know that it wasn't cool. We also had to explain for the 3rd time that my dad is sick and I am busy. Then he posted "hang in there my friend" or some bullshit like that on my wall, so I blocked him and his wife from looking at my wall or posting on my comments, or even seeing anything that I post.
 This guy is acting like were best friends. He doesn't even know me that well. Just because you have dinner a few times doesn't mean that you know me.
 I've learned now that you can't be nice to people because they latch onto you. I think the thing that these people that keep latching to me had in common is that neither of them had a lot of friends. Maybe they're just pushing to hard to have friends. You need to be invited by people, not harass them because you're lonely. It drives them away from you. I'm getting to the point that I want to lock myself in a closet somewhere so that I can be left alone, my sister can bring me food and water, just don't let anyone in the closet with me.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Sorry I've been gone so long

 Sorry that I haven't been around, I've been super busy with work, and my stomach...lol. Last night I made Beef Stroganaff from scratch, it was yummy. Or at least what I could eat was yummy.
 I've noticed that my weight is now at a stand still. I will have good days and bad days with it, so I don't know what to do, I guess start exercising when I can.
 I've been drinking a ton of water, been feeling pretty dehydrated lately. It all comes out anyway when I have to go to the bathroom, but I'm at least trying.
 I've been noticing what people call sleep disturbances, where I wake up, or sleep lightly, and almost anything will wake me up. I'm so tired by the time that I have to go to work that it feels like a task just getting dressed. Once I'm awake I'm definitely up, but I can't seem to want to do anything.
 Like this morning I didn't have to do much accept get dressed, wash my face and brush my teeth because I took a shower before I went to bed, still feels like a task and I'm waiting until the last minute to get dressed.
 Otherwise things are good. Over the weekend last week I slept a lot, when I couldn't sleep at one point I put together a gingerbread house. Might do another one this weekend too. My fiance wants to go out to dinner with some friends, but I don't know, kinda depends on how I'm feeling.
 Also over the weekend the espresso maker broke, we tried taking it apart, but that didn't do anything to help us. So I talked to a guy that fixes them and he said that it would be about $35 to fix it. So I'm supposed to take it to him this weekend. When that broke I was peeved. I don't blame anyone, sometimes shit just breaks and needs to be fixed. I just have to go to Starbucks for the next few days to get my mocha's I guess. I like the ones that I make better, but there's nothing that I can do right now about it... boo!
 As I was about to tell you. I have this love for food, but don't seem to want to eat it. I'm losing my appetite I guess. I'll start eating and about half way through things I don't want it anymore or I'm to full. Most of the time I'll go the whole day without wanting to eat. Maybe going to the bathroom so much is what's doing this to me.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Work, and Other Things

 So yesterday was OK. No great events at work. I found out that the audit that we will be learning to do with the driver equipment is going to be pretty invasive, looks like I'm gonna have to get some coveralls. It sucks but there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's gonna be part of the job I guess.
 I'm going to make sure that they are paying for coveralls. If not well I'm gonna start dressing like a scrub when I go to work.
 I'm not required to do it all the time, but I'm sure that the yard girl will gladly accept my help with this. Since neither of us know anything about these trucks.
 Anyhow, we ended up having Mexican food from a place down the street, and my stomach didn't like it, it was bloaty all night, along with bloating because I started my period. My stomach is really starting to reject me a lot lately, along with the laxatives. I don't want to have to take more than 2 a day but I might have to.
 This seems to be the only way that I successfully lose weight, all but starving myself to get there, and exercising like I'm insane. Even taking Alli doesn't seem to be making much difference, so I end up having to take laxatives all the time to see any dent in my weight.
 This shit sucks. I wish it were easier to lose weight but it's not.
 Then there's always the people that say that I'm not fat, I think that I am, I know that I am, so I'm fighting for the skinny body that I want. Is there really something wrong with that?
 I can't afford a personal trainer, I can barely afford Alli and I'm stuck in this rut, where nothing is happening for me... ugh.
 I'm cranky today. Plus the computers at work keep acting funny so it seems like there's nothing that I can do all day, but pray for the clock to go faster. This is also irritating.
 I'm hoping that after tomorrow I will understand the shit they want us to do, so that maybe I will have something else to do at work. Even though it's cold outside at least it will make the day go by a little bit faster. I'll even make a point of working with the yard girl so that we can help each other understand this. The guy that's supposed to be teaching us will only be there about an hour or so to teach us. You would think that because they made such a big stink about this that they would send the guy for a longer amount of time.
 I'm hoping that the drivers will be able to help us with some of this shit. Even though we're doing this because they don't trust all the drivers anymore... ugh what a mess.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Heart Shaped Sunglasses

 Yesterday wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. I just stuck to not eating anything while I was at work all day. It wasn't as hard as I thought that it would be. On my lunch break I went to Target and tried on a few pairs of pants, no good changes there, still same old size 9. Before they were skin tight and I could barely fit them over my ass, Now size 9's fit slightly lose when I try them on, but 7 is too small.
 It still depressed me, so I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to try on jeans until I get to 130lbs at least, maybe wait even longer. I took a laxative right before I left work yesterday.
 When I got home last night I made pancakes for dinner. I didn't have any I wasn't hungry. I keep thinking that it will make me gain weight, so I really don't want to eat anything, even though my stomach still gets hungry.
 I did end up having a mini dance party in the kitchen with my headphones and heart shaped sunglasses on. I was getting bored just standing there waiting for everything to cook. My fiance walked in the house and stood there watching me until I turned around and discovered that he was there... he thought it was pretty funny, but for some reason I was feeling a little crazy.
 I didn't go to the bathroom accept to go pee. I took another one right before bed, then I woke up having to go really badly. Not so bad I thought that I was going to lose control, but my stomach hurt.
 I weighted 135.5lbs. So I guess that I am having some success. I just want to see how longs it's going to take. Plus I'm slowly adding more exercise again, I don't want to have any accidents though, so I'm taking my time with it.
 Thursday at work I'm supposedly going to have a lot of exercise because I guess they want me and they yard girl to learn some truck survey thingy. They're even sending someone from my company's corp to teach us about it....lovely. I'm looking forward to it a little bit because sometimes I get tired of being in the office.
 Some of these guys make it a big deal about when I'm in the yard, I have to explain to them that I used to be outside all the time, it's not that big a deal. I need to start walking around out there more though, I need the exercise a bit. Right now it's just way too freezing cold, so I have to wear layers.
 That means that I have to choose my clothes Wednesday night so that I'm not cold when I'm at work.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Good Morning

Good morning, 
 Last night I didn't make anything that great for dinner. Just sloppy Joe's and pasta with green beans. I ate a lot of the green beans, and not nearly enough of the rest like I usually do.
 I did make a butterfly shaped pound cake with chocolate chips and sprinkles for dessert. I had one tiny piece, there was no frosting on it, so it wasn't too bad.

 According to the scale I am 137lbs now. Its a start to the flush that I am doing. I feel better and less bloated which is good. I guess the main thing is that I am able to hurry the digestion process. Damn near every time I eat anything I feel guilty about it. Like there's someone out there judging me.  Years ago I had a boyfriend that thought that I was flabby when I weighed about 125lb. He was always picking on me any time that I ate anything. If he wasn't being a cheap ass about paying $1 for a burger, he was busy calling me fat for eating it. That was years ago and I guess I haven't let go of being judged.
 Right now my sweetie loves me the way I am. I'm just not satisfied with the way that I look right now.
Sometimes I just wish I could make my love for food, and wanting to eat it go away. I want to be pretty and skinny. I also wish that I wasn't so concerned with it, but I am.
 I wish that society didn't pound things like this into our heads the way that they do.
 Yesterday after I got home I had to go quite a few times, but no having to run as of yet. I also had to go this morning too.
 I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to do all of this around work, because I don't want to stink up the bathroom all the time, I have to share it with other people. I guess just in the later part of the day or something I'll take my pills, not eat until around then.
 This morning when I woke up there was nothing weird, no stomach aches or anything, so I think that I'm right on track.
 I didn't want to get out of bed though, it was just too cold. Sometimes I wish that things were easier and that I was a stay at home wife, or at least could work from home.
 I like starting work early because I get off of work earlier, but I don't like waking up hella early though. I've even started waking up earlier on the weekends because of it. I guess that's not such a bad thing when you look at it, but I still don't like doing it, because then I feel hella bored at 6 am on a Friday or Saturday morning. No one else is up.

More on Weight

 So there haven't been any major run to the bathroom events yet... but the days not over with. I've gone, but nothing that bad.
 Friday night I was watching TV. The show "I used to be fat" came on. I don't know what the girls name was, but she lost 90 lbs really fast with the boot camp trainer.
 I know that I don't need to lose 90 lbs., but in the beginning she was really whiny and crying, maybe for attention, or maybe just getting emotional. But damn, be grateful, mommy and daddy can afford a trainer like that, let alone you live in this huge house, and can even afford to eat right if you choose to.On top of everything else you get to have your story on TV. Do you know how many people can't afford those things? You're wandering around being completely ungrateful.
 My dad can't help me, he has Alzheimer's, and a limited income.I can't even think of asking him for help, I have no right to, it's just wrong.
 I can barely afford rent and a car payment, can't afford the gym, barley afford to feed myself on cheap crap at the store, and you can whine about having to work out.
 I run around my neighborhood, and have to do push ups and crunches, and you're complaining because your private trainer is pushing you too hard. I would love to have a trainer come push me to hard.
 On top of that if I had a trainer I would like one to push me, with the one and only that I worked with 6 yrs ago, she really didn't push my in the 2 times a week for 8 wks that we worked together. I also worked out 4 more days at the gym a week without her. I used the exercises that she gave me and they didn't do anything. I had to run 3 miles a day last time that I finally lost any weight. I lost 30, gained 10, and that's why I'm trying to lose weight now.
 As of this morning I weighed 138lbs. Almost 2 wks ago it was 145lbs. My goal is 118lbs. At least, I'm 5ft 1 inches, so it should probably be even lower than that. We'll have to see what I can do. I haven't weight 118lbs since I was 13, so wish me luck because I'm 28 yrs old, and have a ways to go. My next goal is 133lbs. I'm trying to make my goals smaller, even though I keep thinking more about the long term ones, and it keeps splitting my focus.
 Oh what a disaster it is sometimes.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Diet, Bathroom Trips, Phone Problems and Fender Benders

 Onto other subject like my diet, I decided yesterday that  fast wouldn't be the best thing for me because lately I have no will power. That and why would I want to be making recipes that I can't eat. So I did cook and eat last night, but not too much food. Maybe if I keep tabs on my portions it won't be too bad.
 When it comes to what I weigh I know that those thing fluctuate, but a laxative always seems to help. Also a lot of people think that they will  wipe out all the nutrients, well I have been taking a daily vitamin, and I drink "Glaceau Vitamin Water Zero" which helps. (it's also really good for hangovers) It has electrolytes in it too which really helps.
 I took Alli with my food, and I plainly expected side effects, but really I didn't get anything serious that's going to impair my ability to function. I even took a laxative last night, which is also another game of mine, I used to do it much more often before, but stopped for a very long time.
 I only stopped because even without them I always had to go to the bathroom. Now I just have to make sure that I'm near a bathroom pretty often, which I always did before anyway.
 I might take another laxative later, but I don't want to over do it right now. Even though I know that they won't make me lose weight, at least they will clean me out a little bit which always helps. I hate those crazy one day flush things, they make me crazy because there's nothing that you're allowed to have besides water... ugh.
 Since I was a kid I've always been the worst at blowing up the bathroom, so I really don't think that any one's going to notice.
 This morning when I woke up I didn't have any sudden urges to run to the bathroom.
 My phone stopped working which peeved me a little bit, but it's my sister's old G1. So it's not like I paid hella money for it. I'll go to the store on the way home from work and have the people take a look and try out a new battery in it, otherwise I still have my old phone that I can use if I need to.
 I also found out that my sister got in a fender bender with some old guy. It was his fault, but I'm surprised that she didn't say anything. Probably because she said that there is no damage, and she knew that I would run out there and find something. (I used to be a car inspector back in the day.)
 Anyhoo, that's all the news that I have for the moment.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Crispy Chicken

 Last night I made crispy chicken from "The America's Test Kitchen Family Cookbook-Third Edition"

 It was quiet yummy. The recipe itself sounded a little bland so I added a few spices. Me being the amateur cook that I am didn't add too much because I have never actually fried chicken in this manor. Everything turned out great. My fiance's cousin even asked me what I used to make it. I didn't tell him everything that I added aside from the recipe, but that's my little secret.
 Later this week after I go grocery shopping I plan to make another recipe. I'm going to start writing down a list of things that I need.
 Hopefully my next recipe will be Beef Stroganoff. It's always been a favorite of mine and my sweetie's. I've just never made the recipe from this cookbook before.
 I did go a wandering yesterday looking at cook books in Borders in Fremont, but I didn't see any that I really wanted for a price I wanted to pay.
 I also found out that they closed the Barnes and Noble over there... boo.  That was one of my favorite Barnes and Noble. Guess that now I have to go to Pleasanton.
 Before I go to a regular book store I plan to go to a few good will stores, I always see cook books there. :)

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

A Little More on Cooking

 While growing up, my mom always cooked. When I was younger until about the age of 12 I loved helping her in the kitchen. She also had Breast Cancer when I was about 9 yrs old. So sometimes we ate out, others, I would help my dad cook, or cook something I already knew how to make. My sister (the one that lives with me) would sometimes help, or the oldest sister would too.
 Most of the time it was me, or my mom in the kitchen. She also baked a lot too. For baking she had recipes, and for cooking she seemed to do everything by eye, I never even seemed to see a cookbook. Maybe it was because she was always cooking.
 She never seemed to give anyone an actual recipe, but more of guidance in the kitchen.
 I never really had a desire to cook anything until I was maybe 24, unfortunately my father had been in the hospital a lot for pneumonia, and then in the late part of that year my mom, because of cancer that had spread, and she passed away from it.
 So I never really had much chance to share my cooking with them. My mom knew that I had been cooking once in a while for my boyfriend, (who is now my fiance) so at some point she bought me a cookbook. My mom had an amputation and was legally blind, so I know that both my sister were in on this.
 My mom passed away right before Christmas that year, so when my sisters had a great look of anticipation on their faces, I didn't know why. When I opened the box with a cook book inside I almost cried. Not only did I want a cook book, I'd ogled that one so many times in the store, but never bought it, thinking it was for someone with much better culinary skills than me.
 When the book got ruined I was horrified, I looked for it a few times, but could only find their baking edition, so ended up getting that instead. Then said forget it, it wasn't mean for me to use.
 Now that I have it I want to start trying new recipes.
 What I would really love is to have my mom's old recipe book, and go through it one recipe at a time, that would be my tribute to her.

TTYL,
 Little Miss Sunshine

More on Vegetable Soup and Other Updates

  So yes I finished the Vegetable Soup last night, it was very good.
 I was slightly irritated with my fiance though, sometimes I feel as if going out of my way for him, just doesn't matter and I don't want to do it, but I was also going out of the way for me because I wanted to make this particular recipe.
 I called to let him know that it was done because he had gone over to a friend's house with his cousin. He called back 20 mins later saying that he would be home in 45 mins. He wanted to let it simmer a while. I found that a bit insulting because I went out of my way to make it. It hurt my feelings.
 I go by the directions and let it simmer for quite a while. He was busy "drinking" at a friends house and I knew it. To be honest I'm tired of him going to his friends house always in the evening to "Hang out" I know that he's just drinking. My sister and his niece don't like it because he's sort of a smart ass, and thinks he;s always right. This bothers me to, because I know he's not always right, he's just an ass.
 I'm done arguing with him about his being right, I just plainly am done talking to him when he drinks, I don't want to hear it.
 Either way on the end his niece said that it was really good, and so did he, I believe her but he was drunk and I think he may have been kissing my ass because he knew that I was mad at him. His cousin didn't give an opinion, but he was a little buzzed too. My sister was working late so I made sure that there was some saved for her, and she's going to try it a little bit later when she wakes up.
 As for my weigh in this morning it's exactly the same. I've hardly had the time to walk, but have been cutting back on my food intake, and the fat grams in it, no help yet.
 So last night after dinner I thought about doing the fast,and I'm going to try. I haven't had anything but water this morning, lets see if I can keep this up for a little bit. I;m hoping for at least 36 hours. I'll just use it as a jump starter for me losing weight, the hard part is keeping it off.
 My sister is mad at me because I bought a scale, she says that it's evil. Last year she lost a ton of weight, and 3 pants sizes, she's kept the same pants sizes, but the weight came back, I would have to say that it's muscle. I told her that I'm sorry she doesn't like it, but I should be able to check my weight whenever I want. No one told her she has to, but it should be a regular ritual for people to check their weight. Otherwise it may get out of control.
 I like many people wish that it was easier to maintain a healthy weight, but it's not, so I have to face up to the truth.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Vegetable Soup

 So my day went by pretty quickly. First I went with my sweetie to an appt. Then after taking him home I ran some errands.
 I made sure that I bought the ingredients for a recipe that I found. Then I went to the mall for a little while. I tried on a few pairs of jeans, but didn't find any that I really liked. I'm seriously thinking about a 36 hour fast that I read about. I also know that it would be really hard because I'm such a big coffee drinker.
  Speaking of coffee, this morning I found out that someone accidently cracked the coffee pot while cleaning it, and my fiance "forgot to tell me" I wasn't mad because I have an espresso machine, but I knew we were going through beans really fast and couldn't figure out why. He wants to buy a perculator, but I know that's going to be more expensive than a coffee pot, so I wish he'd told me so I could buy a regular one in the mean time.
 So anyway, I went home, took a nap for about 2 hours. Then I got up to make dinner. Well when I was getting out all the ingredients I realized that I forgot a Diced Tomatoes and Frozen peas... oops. I didn't have anything that I could improvise with, so I ended up sending my niece to Target.
 Luckily she's a really good girl, got everything, she took my car, and says that she loves driving it. I already know that she's a really good driver, so I've been thinking about adding her to my insurance, I have to wait and see though, might be really expensive.
 Anyway, I'm still waiting for everything to simmer, but I chose to make Vegetable Soup from "The America's Test Kitchen Family Cookbook-Third edition"

 It smells really yummy, and I think that I made a soup like this a long time ago, just can't remember right now. I have a few cookbooks, but not a ton, and there are plenty of recipe's to choose from. I had this one years ago, but then it got wet and ruined in the kitchen, so my oldest sister, and my dad. (she takes care of him) Got me a new one for this past Christmas. They new that I really wanted one because I loved the first one that my mom had given me.
 So I guess that tomorrow or later tonight I will be back to let you know the results, and any good commentary that I get from the family!!!!!!

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Last nights adventures

 So last night I went with my older sister to a Raiin Wilson book signing in Mountain View. For his book "Soul Pancake"
 It was so crowded in that little bookstore that I couldn't believe it, on top of that as soon as we walked in I knew that there was someone in the crowd that forgot to put deoderant on, but crowds and deoderant issues are to be expected I guess. Otherwise it was good.
 I was a little disappointed at all the chaos, becuase we're short people and couldn't see a damn thing when he was talking.  He was a nice guy, very friendly, and I learned a few things that I didn't know.
 I of course didn't buy a book ahead of time, but my sister did, so she got hers signed. I wasn't to concerned about it at the moment, I'll just borrow her book when she's done with it and read it.
 In a way I wish I had bought a book, I might go buy one just for the hell of it, I'm curious about it, heard it's a good coversation starter, and has some really good insights.
 Anyhoo, then after getting through the masses of people standing around not knowing what to do we made our way back to the car, and went to In and Out.
 That was ok, I had a cheeseburger and diet coke, knowing that I just ruined my diet... just have to keep on keeping on with it. The same fight. I was slightly disappointed in my cheeseburger too.. It wasn't cooked all the way. That's happened at a few In and Outs, it only bugs me because I've had burgers cooked that way make me sick before, so I'm a little paranoid about it.
 After that we went home because she had to go to work. All in all it was a good trip, my sister was happy, and very excited to not only have her book signed but neet Raiin Wilson face to face. She even wore her Shrute farms hoodie. It was cute. When we were waiting in the line to get the books signed she had an unvoiced look of concern, probably worries about saying "Hi' to him. She has a tendency to say something stupid when she meets celebrities, or forget her name. All went well though. The excited look of wonderment on her face when she walked away from his table with her book signed, is all I needed to make me feel satisfied, and say "Yes this was a good trip."

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

David Boreanaz

Ok maybe I'm late reading this but he has a sexual harassment law suit against him now? Wow... To be honest I don't care. I still think he's hot. I'd love to be an extra on Bones. (even though I know that my chances are slim to none.) I've dreamed of acting on that show side by side with him. Of course I have no acting experience accept for 8th grade drama, and the fact I would be beet red because "Omg, he looked at me" I of course love Emily Deschanel, and the rest of the cast, and would be excited to be around any of them.
 When it comes to sexual harassment, I've dreamed of a kiss with him, but who hasn't. When it comes down to it, I'd have to say "No David, I can't kiss you unless it's in the script, I love my fiance too much."
 If I were single, I'd say "Go ahead David, kiss me." Only because I dont have an acting career to lose anyway.:)
 Anyway, I think that if someone wants help with their career obviously they need to earn it themselves.
 He's a man, and yes I agree that grabbing a womans breast and trying to kiss her is wrong especially when they don't want it, or you know, you;re married to another woman. Either way some men out there need to learn that they have to earn touching rights with women too.
 Men are pigs, but that doesn't make them bad people. Sometimes they make mistakes and need to live with them, they need to learn to think like a woman sometimes, and stop, think about the consequences of what they're doing, how will this effect their future, and why it's hurting someone else.
 My next question is was there something that she did to lead him on? From personal experience I have learned that as a woman, sometimes we tend to lead men on, or make them think they will get the prize, when in our minds we don't know that we're doing it.We flirt, bat our eye lashes, give a sexy smile, because we're talking to a man that we think may have the power to help us in some way.
 Either way of looking at it, reading about David Boreanaz's sexual harassment suit made me die a little inside. I loved him in Buffy, Angel, and Bones. That and if you're having spousal issues, seek therapy, not the arms of another woman. The world of fans that you have out there would much rather hear that you went to therapy, then got slapped by a law suit of any kind.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine