Ha ha no dinner tonight. Hunny is not home. That means once my upod is functioning I go to the gym ;)

Shouldnt havr ate dinner, I feel gross now.

I gave in my weigh in was 141lbs. Thats after eating lunch and before dinner. After lounging all day after the gym.

Nope didnt happen. I wanna wait until my system is pretty clean of foods n junk to weigh myself.

Almost weighed myself at the gym, but chickened out, too many people around. Maybe ill do it later after my nap.

I still havent weighed myself again. Im waiting until I know I havent eaten anything for ab a day or it will just depress me.

Burned 633 cals on the eliptical alone today... Whoot whoot
Us half and hr.lifting weights

We had pizza for dinner. I only had one peice. God my ass and arms hurt fr the gym.

Going to the gym today was awesome!!!!

I think it will help instead of just jogging around the neighborhood.

Just renewed my gym membership. Im psyched to go today.

Next time ill throw on a sheet with holes and dance thru the hallway. Lol.

Sister in law came over to pick something up, and walked thru the room like we were ghosts n she didnt see us...nice.

Why cant bitches just mind their own business?

Ok, well lets see. When hes broke and I have to pay for everything, I seem to matter. When he finally gets paid, nope, he cany buy me ice cream

Someday im gonna treat myself to a spray tan.

Everyone thinks sunscreen is too greasy, id rather want to take a shower later than get burned, and look like leather face.

I at least remembered sunscreen. Thats good. I always have to remember sunscreen. I made everyone put it.on.

So mad at myself for a total binge wkend, ugh. My stomach feels so gross.

My sister works for family radio the station that started.all this mess, its stupid.

Everyones saying the worlds gonna end today, well lets see, im still here. Besides they said the raptures coming, not the end.

The worst part is im already a litle hungry, time for some coffee and take a shower to get ready.

Well yesterday wasnt good, I binged. So today no food at marine world.

Tomorrow im not eating and ill be pushing my dads wheel chair all over marine world

ate dinner today, took two ali pills first, plus a green tea pill

Gonna go wash my face, brush my teeth,then go to the smoke shop for cigarettes, then I dont know after that.

Making a refusal to weigh myself. I hate pimples, and I hate my period. I feel all bloated.

I need some rest, ill just remember not to take my pills so late tomorrow

Ok, I just cant seem to want to go to bed, luckily im off work tomorrow, but my brain is soo tired.

Omg im sooo tired, and yet my hands are shaking, thank pills

Started takin pills lets see if this helps

Omg today is already way too boring, I hate it when I get bored because then everyone eats, and they start pushing food at me.

Blah!

 So not much news since yesterday. The scale said 142 lbs this morning. Which, I don't know is completely accurate, because as I said before our scale sucks and when I get the chance I'm buying a new one. After my little mobile blog this morning I had to run to the bathroom for another stomach disturbance. Do all people that stop eating tend to have this???
 Anyway, I didn't have anything to eat last night, just more coffee and tea. This morning I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee because I couldn't sleep worth a damn because captain insomnia was up and making hella noise either in our room, or right outside the door.
 Once again today is a vow of no food, and I'm looking for anything that I can to help me lose more weight faster, does anyone have any good suggestions?
 It also looks like it's gonna be another quiet day here at work again, so I'll probably get frustrated as usual because of boredom. Maybe I'll look up a bunch of shit online or something.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Im hoping that sooner rather than later this weight will start coming off.

Man stomach issues this morning. Good thing is im 142lbs this morning.

I hate my body, ive tried and failed so many times, thia time I must succeed!!!!

So im makin dinner for the fam again. Wont eat any tho, the thought makes me sick. Belly dancin while I cook tho, burn off the tidbit of cake.

Black Sheep

 I'm just plain feeling shitty today. I think that the whole birthday celebration around here was a part of it. Someone texted me telling me to tell the bday girl happy bday for them. Well I did of course. Then I asked some of the girls if they were doing anything for the bday girl. Everyone told me no or that they didn't know or that her boyfriend was doing something.
 Then a little while later I heard everyone singing happy birthday, and I looked and everyone was over there singing. A little bit later the bday girl brought me a piece of cake. Damn it's like elementary school all over again. I'm the Black Sheep and no one wants to play with me except the foreign kid that doesn't speak English and probably doesn't know what I'm saying.
 I never did anything to any of those people, and they have the nerve to treat me that way, whenever we do anything around here I always put in money or what not. I'm disappointed in my co-workers now too.Or rather the people that work in the same building. The girls that I work with like me for the most part I guess. Lately I've been keeping to myself lately. Not from depression, but just because.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Im so disapointed in myself with this so far. I could be worse, but the people I work with suround me with food.

Yeah this shit sucks, ate a smidge of cake, tried to purge... Didnt happen.. Yuck. Luckily under 200 cal worth is all I ate.

God damn it. People keep offering me food. I keep.declining it, but damn people make ot hard to resist.

I got the Crazies!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Maybe I'm going a little crazy with blogging, but screw it who gives a shit right. It makes me feel better, a little. So far today just one cup of coffee, and one cup of tea.
 I'm also just frustrated. How long does it take before I start seeing any differences? God it's a pain in the ass. I hate waiting, I guess I have to learn to be a little more patient. It's not gonna be pretty though.
 I looked around on the Victoria's Secret website for some clothes for when I finally reach my goal. I'll probably just go somewhere and buy clothing, but I like looking, It helps. It makes me feel bad about how I look, but it makes me stronger when it comes to not eating. So in it's own way, torturing myself helps.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Why must everyone be a pain in the ass and say shit ab me smokin. Shut up already. Why do they think my business is their business.

Grrrr. Found out its someones bday at work, now theyre gonna try to make me eat cake. I hate this shit

Once on the Lips, Forever on the Hips

Ugh yet another sucky day. Last night Mr. Hunny Bunny freakin made me make some market pantry pizza's for dinner. I had a few tiny bites, but that's it. I wanted to throw it up, but for some reason couldn't make myself. I kept thinking, once on the lips, forever on the hips. It made me stop wanting to eat at all.
 I seriously need to find some friends out there that I can share this with. Start my own support system. I don't think a lot of my friends really understand, and I really haven't said anything to them about everything.
 They don't even know that I have this blog, because I don't want them to. I only really want people that understand how I feel to read this, and I hope that they do.
 I didn't weigh myself this morning, I was too peeved to do it, to angry at myself, so once again no eating today, and that's that. Maybe better luck tomorrow with my weight.(I know I need a new scale, but I really can't afford that right now, but I guess that what I have it better than nothing. ugh)
 Well I have a few things that I have to get done here at work. I will probably be blogging from my phone as usual. It seems to help a lot with the frustration.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

I get maf bc my hunny says he loves my curves, but then says some boney bitch is hot. Ugh. I feel like a cow.

So today I cant have anything. The hard part is everyone always brings food, or tries to make me eat all the time.

Mad! Mad! Mad!

Omg! I'm mad.Very mad at myself. Shouldn't have had that chex mix, so I'm just have to keep from eating, and probably exercise a little extra today so I can get rid of it. Ive found that drinking a lot of tea really seems to help. Plus I'm going to start drinking more dieters teas and stuff to help out a little bit. At least I will when I can afford it because we're so damn broke right now that we can't afford food anyway.
 I figure that it's better if I just let the people around me eat, because they probably need it more anyway. maybe me taking care of them will be good for my karma or something. A girl can only dream.
 I thought that using thinspo ideals to help me not eat would be hard, since I don't have the greatest track record at not eating, it's not as bad as I thought. I haven't had a total binge episode or anything, when I ate the chex mix it was literally just a handful, and it made me feel guilty. So I guess that I could've been worse. My punishment is going to be a hundred crunches though. I have to do something, because Ive done wrong.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Ate some chex mix... I feel like puking

My sis peeved me by insulting the food I made everyone on fb. Ugh, I wish people would butt out.

Yup 143lbs. Ugh I feel gross.

Please just let me sit here and enjoy my tv show and coffee.

Have to cook dinner for the fam. But the smell is nauseating me.

Ok I lied im pissed at the universe, for several reasons.

Well still having mood swings, but feeling better, just annoyed.

Ugh mood swings. Cant stand peoples loud eating, or them insinuating ab me smoking. Leave me the f*** alone.

One cup of tea down. Time for more coffee w splenda.

Ugh I feel so fat and ugly today.

Thinspo?????

 So my biopsy was negative. It's nothing. I wrote about it on a note on my fb so that I could share my experience with friends, so that maybe they will use it in same way.
 Anyway, I'm frustrated. After 3 weeks of jogging and dieting nothing happened for me. When I went to the Dr's it was 144lbs. WTF???? So I have decided to once again not eat. Sit here and starve myself. I hate my body and want it to change. So we'll have to see what happens. The longest that I have even been able to go without eating is 4 days.Well that;s going to change. I have been reading all sorts of thinspo info. So here goes thinspo day one. I didn't have the chance to weigh myself. 
 I was actually supposed to start this yesterday, but being the pig that I am I ate pasta for dinner. So that's it. So far today I have had one cup of coffee with splenda, and a cup of tea.
 Does anyone know any good pills that I could take to move this process along. I know that I won't lose that much by the time the hot weather gets here, but I want to lose something.
 I think that I will forever be struggling with this. Ugh this sucks. I need to find more pro ana and thinspo buds to help me with the process.
 Maybe tomorrow I will add my current weight and goal weights. Let's see what happens by then.


TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

Waiting...

 So I'm still waiting for my results. It's a bit nerve racking because I have absolutely no idea how to feel. Everyone I've talked to about this is like, don't worry it's nothing. Don't sit there and torture yourself. They're probably right, but lately the whats ifs are killing me.I certainly wont know anything until the doctor calls me back, and he said it can be a week to two weeks until I find out the results. I don't know how to feel. Ive been sad, angry, frustrated, depressed.
 I know that getting depressed over the unknown is kind of stupid, but this has really opened up my eyes about things. I should wear sunblock every day. I need to be a lot more cautious about things I never even thought about before. I watched my mom die from this. An old school mate just a year older then me died from it. Sure I know that the likelihood of me dying is probably pretty low. But I have to think about how I'm going to handle it if something happened.
 This wasn't just something that was from the sun either, it's a mole, one that has never seen the sun. Those are the worst ones.
 I think about fighting it, if it is cancer. Talking to the doctor about treatment, what my options are if it is that bad. How I'm going to deal. Sure maybe I shouldn't worry. I don't have a gut feeling, I kinda stopped listening to that a long time ago, it doesn't always help. Right now yes, it feels that something may be wrong, but I also think that I'm feeling that way because of fear itself.
 All the week before I had the biopsy I was worried about other things, and that was dragging me down, and driving me nuts, now this. The fact that the doctor found it and seemed very concerned is what seems to be concerning me the most right now.
 On Friday it will be one week. So I guess making it through the first week will be the hardest part. I told the girls at work, and a few good friends, my family knows about it too. I haven't told everyone, because I don't want them to know.
 There are also the two people that were harassing me that I don't want to find out about the testing, because I have the feeling that they will either make it their mission to drive me nuts. Whether it's because they are mad at me for not liking them and want to kick me while I'm down, or because they really want to be supportive, and will start showing up uninvited.
 I have the feeling that if my fiance's friend that was bothering me finds out he's really gonna start emailing, or sending things to me. I'm not looking forward to it, so hopefully he just wont say anything, results or not.
 All this waiting is driving me insane, I just don't know what to do about it at this point. I guess it's suffer in silence, because I have probably annoyed everyone around me enough already.
 Now is the time to try to distract myself so that I don't feel so fixated on this, it'll only make the waiting even harder. Wish me luck.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine

When it rains, it pours!

I swear that if it's not one thing it's another. My sweetie and I hired a lawyer for his Workman's comp case because we feel that the insurance company is being a bunch of wanks. They've doctored paper work, and stopped paying him. So we're applying for disability.
 I went to the obgyn on Friday. Everything seemed pretty fine, until he discovered a mole.I originally went because A) I haven't been in a really long time. B) A friend of ours has cervical cancer and she's really young, and I know that cancer in that area runs in the family. I ended up going for one thing, and being worried about another by the time that I left.
 So he decided he should take a biopsy for many reasons. 1) My mom died of Melanoma 2) I have all the great characteristics for it i.e.blond, fair skin, blue eyes, freckles. 3) it fit the "ABCDE" criteria.
 I've never had a biopsy and he was like do you want a referral, do you want me to do it? I was like well since you're already down there. So they gave me a local (which I've never had), and they took a sample, which I didn't feel. Then they were just gonna do one stitch, but it turns out the damn mole wouldn't quit bleeding so I have 3 stitches. It's right there on my bikini line, and keeps annoying me because everything keeps wanting to rub on it, etc.It figures that the first time I ever have to get stitches it's on my bikini line.
 Everyone is like it's probably nothing, you'll be fine. I know a girl that died from melanoma last year, she was about a yr older than me. My mom had cancer twice, the second time she passed away from it. It was too advanced in stage and there was nothing more that they could do.
All I keep hearing is support that I appreciate, like "It's probably nothing" or "They'll probably just remove it."
I've done a little homework, and regardless they will probably remove it, but they may remove it and I might have to have treatment if it is something. Now I'm all nervous, this sucks. Ive had at least two times in the past two days that I have suffered with the "What if's" and this shit blows. I can not wait for the results to come back, because either way, I'm going to be impatient until they tell me something. Sure I'd rather it be good news, but what if it's not?
 Now I'm frustrated and anxious about everything.

TTYL,
Little Miss Sunshine